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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24553255">After the nightmare, madness</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoMoreBeer4U/pseuds/NoMoreBeer4U'>NoMoreBeer4U</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>After the nightmare series [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stargate SG-1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s04e18 The Light, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Slash, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:42:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,221</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24553255</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoMoreBeer4U/pseuds/NoMoreBeer4U</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Three weeks on a palace beside the sea sounds like a good vacation. But is Daniel truly recovered from his addiction to the light?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Daniel Jackson/Jack O'Neill</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>After the nightmare series [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1704055</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>After the nightmare, madness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer: I don't own them, I just play with them, non-commercial purposes intended.</p>
<p>WARNING: This story contains dark thoughts and graphic descriptions of a suicide attempt. If you have issues with that subject, please DO NOT READ.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>The MALP disappeared into the event horizon and a few seconds later the Stargate disengaged.  SG-1’s minus Teal'c blood samples would be on Janet’s hands in a flash. Her tests would determine the dopamine levels on the SGC’s flag team members. Ever since they had been stuck in the Goa'uld pleasure palace, they had been sending blood samples for Janet to analyze every two days. That was the second delivery. Janet had estimated that the after-effects of the addictive light on his workmates would wear off in three weeks. Still, she was checking their blood often to follow the progress of the affection. Four days had passed. Seventeen left.</p>
<p>The MALP they just sent back to the SGC had arrived three hours ago with new supplies and a very welcomed surprise: Teal'c. Although the jaffa's symbiote had protected him from the effects of the light, and therefore, there wasn’t the need for him to stay on the planet, he had chosen to go back to stick around his friends. That way he could assist Daniel on the work of translating the extensive amount of writings that were displayed all around the palace, and also he wished to spend some time with Loren, the teenager alien they had met there. The kid would accompany them to Earth, and Teal’c, alien himself, wanted to tell him about his future new home from his non-Earth origin perspective.</p>
<p>Jack left the remote of the MALP on the stairs situated in front of the Stargate and went to check on his teammates. Teal'c was in the main hall sitting on the floor next to Loren. He was showing him a book about Earth he had brought. Loren was gasping and ohing every now and then while looking at the pictures on the book. Apparently, the kid’s planet was mainly desert looking and he was amazed by the extended Earth variation of landscapes and fauna.</p>
<p>Later, the colonel went to check on his second in command. Major Carter was happily playing with the device that had emitted the alien light. He knew she wouldn’t stop until she figured out exactly how it worked. He didn’t dare to ask her about her progress, in case she started with one of her techno-babble speeches that he wouldn’t be able to follow. The damned light, the one that had almost killed his lover, was off, and that was the only thing he wanted to understand about that bloody doohickey. He smiled at her and left the room to go checking on his archaeologist.</p>
<p>Daniel was in one of the many halls, focused on the writings that decorated one of the columns. He was taking notes while muttering. Jack leaned on a wall, crossed his arms over his chest, and observed at the man he loved more than life. Again he had been close to losing him. His mind wandered at the moment he had found him on the wrong side of his balcony, ready to jump to certain death. Not much later, he had flatlined in the SGC’s corridor on his way to the Stargate. Thankfully he had been able to save his life both times. A cold shiver ran through the colonel’s body. He pushed his thoughts away. In the end, nothing had happened. Daniel was alive. He was ok. And if he had something to say on that matter, he would continue this way.</p>
<p>He focused on more pleasant thoughts. How he would make love to him slow and passionately all night long once they were home. Or even better. He'd ask Hammond for a week of downtime and he'd take Daniel to his cabin in Minnesota, where they could repeat the performance of their first time on the wooden dock.</p>
<p>The thought and the vision of his sexy and beautiful lover made his cock twitch in anticipation. He cleared his throat to make his presence noticeable, but the archaeologist didn’t react. He kept muttering and he was now writing furiously in his notepad. Jack frowned when he noticed the sudden angry expression on his lover’s face. Then,  without warning, the archaeologist threw away his notepad, which crashed on the column, and he buried his hands in his scalp and pulled his hair. The colonel was at his side in no time.</p>
<p>“Daniel! Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” He asked with concern.</p>
<p>“These fucking inscriptions! They don’t make any sense at all! It's all a fucking gibberish!” He was panting.</p>
<p>Jack was quite shocked by the archaeologist’s behavior and tried to keep a calming tone. “Danny, you've been pushing yourself non-stop for three days. Why don’t you just rest today and re-start tomorrow? You’ll be refreshed.”</p>
<p>“Rest? Have you lost your mind? Have you seen how many writings are around there? I only have seventeen days left, Jack, seventeen days! And where the hell is Teal’c, huh? He was supposed to be helping me! What a shit of help!”</p>
<p>“Daniel!” The younger man had started gesticulating wildly to emphasize his point and Jack grabbed him by the shoulders. “Hey! That isn’t  fair to Teal’c, what’s the heck is wrong with you?!”</p>
<p>“Nothing is wrong with me, I’m perfectly fine, it’s these damned inscriptions! And don’t touch me!” He jerked trying to get loose of Jack’s grip, but the colonel was grabbing him tightly.</p>
<p>“Daniel, you need to calm down, ok?” Ok, now he was getting annoyed. This wasn’t his lover’s usual behavior. Maybe the last days' experiences had affected him more than he was willing to admit, but if that was the matter, why hadn’t he talked to him? Why insist he was fine? They had learned the hard way to share their concerns. Was Daniel clamming up again? Was he pushing him away again? When was that stubborn thick head of him would learn that he really loved him and he was there to help him whenever he needed it? That he could always talk to him? When the hell was he going to learn it once and for all? “Look, Daniel, I understand you’re stressed after the ordeal you’ve been through but…”</p>
<p>The archaeologist didn’t let him finish. He sent him daggers through his eyes and when he talked his voice was husky and cold. “Let go of me,  Jack. Let-go-of-me.”</p>
<p>The colonel went from annoyed to deeply concerned. Where was that sudden attitude coming from? Actually, he had been worrying about his lover since they had known they‘d be stuck in the palace for two weeks. Carter and himself had been acting normal but the truth is that Daniel had been fidgeting all along and the last hours it had been worst. He had blamed on the strain he had been exposed to in the last days. After all, he had almost died twice, but he wasn’t so sure anymore. That sudden outburst had crossed the line. Instead of getting better from the light addiction, he seemed to be getting worse. He reminded him that Daniel Jackson's version that had yelled to Hammond on the face six days ago. It didn’t have any sense, they had turned off the light four days ago and both Carter, Loren, and himself were doing ok. So what was happening to his lover? This wasn’t the caring and compassionate man he considered his husband. He stared at him intensely trying to get some answers from his eyes, but all he could see was anger and coldness. He lifted a hand intending to cup his cheek. This movement usually calmed him down. But this time Daniel pushed aside even more brusquely and didn’t allow the touch. He let go of Jack’s grip abruptly. He seized his notepad with a quick movement and focused on the column again.</p>
<p>The colonel squeezed his upper arm softly. “Danny…”</p>
<p>He couldn’t continue. Daniel turned around fast and shoved the older man roughly.</p>
<p>“I said let go of me!”</p>
<p>Jack tripped, fell backward and landed on his ass, open-mouthed stunned.</p>
<p>“What the hell…? Daniel!”</p>
<p>Then suddenly something clicked on the archaeologist’s brain. When he realized what he had done, his outraged expression became one of horror.</p>
<p>“Oh God! Jack, I… I… god, I'm sorry, I didn’t mean…  I'm sorry, I'm sorry…” he rushed towards his fallen teammate and lover, not fully understanding what had just happened. The colonel rose a finger and stopped him on his tracks.</p>
<p>“Don’t! Don’t dare to touch me! I don’t know what’s got into you but I swear I…” he bit his tongue to stop himself before he could say something he'd regret later.</p>
<p>Daniel looked at his lover’s eyes and he couldn’t bear the disappointment he read in them. A huge lump formed in his throat. He paralyzed for a few seconds, then he absently dropped his notepad and pen and ran away from the scene. He went to his room and furiously pushed the commands to close the sliding door.</p>
<p>Jack remained sitting on the floor for a while trying to process what had just happened. It was like Daniel was still being affected by the light withdrawal, but that couldn’t be just possible. Could it? It had to be just stress. After all, his heart had stopped beating just four days ago. Literally. An experience like that could leave some demons to deal with to anyone. Besides, being off-world, they hadn’t been able to share the moments of intimacy they both were longing for. He couldn’t soothe him, kiss him, hug him, cuddle next to him on the same bed at night. All that would have to wait until they were home, but it was now that they needed comfort. He felt highly frustrated. He damned the unfair regulations for a thousand times.</p>
<p>He wanted to run to the younger man and put him at ease, but he decided to wait for some minutes to give him time to cool down. Hell, he needed to cool down himself. Otherwise, his attempt to help could easily turn into a heated argument. He stood up slowly and went to meet Carter again.</p>
<p>“ Hmm… Carter.”</p>
<p>“Yes, Sir”? She looked at his CO and saw the deep crease between his eyebrows, a typical sign that something was eating away at him. “Is something wrong?”</p>
<p>“I’m not sure. It’s Daniel. We just had a sort of a… misunderstanding. Have you notice he’s been acting... weird lately?”</p>
<p>“Well, Sir, actually, I was going to talk to you about this myself. He’s been…”</p>
<p>“Distracted? Restless? More a pain in the ass than usual?”</p>
<p>“Hmm, I’d say more like… withdrawn. He barely talks to us, he’s kinda obsessed with those writings. And today, when I was drawing his blood for Janet, well… he…” She gazed at Jack, embarrassed. She wasn’t sure she needed to tell him about that. She was sure it wasn’t nothing, still…”</p>
<p>“What happened, Major?”</p>
<p>“Well, he… snapped at me. Sir.” She made a face. She didn’t want to accuse his teammate and friend of anything, but the truth was he hadn’t been acting like himself lately.</p>
<p>“He WHAT?!”  Jack was shocked. So that incident just a few minutes ago hadn’t been a sole.</p>
<p>“It was my fault, Colonel, I pulled the syringe a bit too harshly, I hurt him and he just reacted.”</p>
<p>“I don’t think so, Carter, something else is going on here.”</p>
<p>“Well, to begin with, I don’t think he’s sleeping at all at nights, Sir. Did you notice…?</p>
<p>“The bags under his eyes? Yeah, yeah, something is bugging him and I’m going to find out what it is.”</p>
<p>Unfortunately, as they were off-world, surrounded by their teammates, Jack and Daniel weren’t sleeping together in the palace. There were enough rooms with comfortable beds, so each one of them took one. It would have been too suspicious to share a room with Daniel, especially considering the fact that all of them had just a single queen-size bed. Neither Sam or Teal’c knew anything about their relationship. Only Janet was aware of that and the General had his suspicions also. So he didn’t really know how his lover was sleeping, but he didn’t need to be spooned behind him on the same bed to know that he wasn’t resting properly. He decided to wait for some minutes more before going to check on him and confront him if it was necessary.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Daniel was in his room pacing restlessly. He had shoved Jack to the floor. What the hell was wrong with him? He had hurt the man he loved more than life for no reason. Suddenly, an image popped up in his mind. He was wearing a goa’uld ribbon device and aimed it at his lover viciously. The energy blast sent him flying until he crashed to a bookcase.</p>
<p>
  <em>No. Nonononononono. </em>
</p>
<p>That wasn’t real. That was from another time. A time that never even existed. That was from the dream Shifu had induced him some weeks ago.  A wave of dizziness assaulted him and rushed to sit on the bed. He wrapped his arms around his stomach and leaned forward, trying to control the increasing nausea. He started to rock back and forth, in an attempt to brush away the images that were now assaulting his mind. Himself snapping at Teal’c, shoving Jack to the wall, sending the jaffa to a suicidal mission, locking Sam to jail, blowing up Moscow…</p>
<p>
  <em>Oh god, godgodgodgod.</em>
</p>
<p>He had misunderstood everything. But Jack had understood it. He had tried to kill him in that dream. That dream hadn’t purported to show him the risks of uncontrolled power, what he might become.  It had intended to show him what he WAS becoming right now. The path to becoming that monster had started yet and there was nothing that could stop it. He yelled at Hammond, he snapped at Sam, and he shoved Jack to the floor.</p>
<p>
  <em>Ohgodohgodohogod!</em>
</p>
<p>Only the light had been able to stop the process. The light had been his antidote. But the light was no more. Nothing, nothing could stop him now. How many time would pass until his next step? Until he killed Teal’c? He had started to become that atrocious beast.</p>
<p>All of a sudden, he felt a huge weight on his chest, as if something was squeezing his heart. He couldn’t breathe. Panic took over him, contorting his features. He began to breathe in short gasps, air barely filling his lungs enough to fulfill their function.</p>
<p>
  <em>No, no, nononono… </em>
</p>
<p>That couldn't be possible. He could never hurt his friends. But he had. He had already hurt them all, and that dream had shown him everything he was capable of.</p>
<p>
  <em>No, NO! </em>
</p>
<p>He needed to stop it before he could hurt further the ones he loved. He had to stop it now. He felt something dense and dark invading his body. He could feel it ripping him apart as if it was something physical. The pain was unbearable. He clenched his jaw tightly to avoid screaming to the top of his lungs. He felt as if he was slowly dying the most terrible death. His soul was crying in despair. He had to stop the monster, he had to stop it, he had to stop it, stopitstopitstopit... and all of a sudden, everything was clear. He knew what he needed to do. He grimaced weakly and let thick hot tears to roll along his cheeks. Yes. Everything was clear now. He slowly unwrapped his arms from his torso, took off his glasses, and dropped them on the nightstand. He took off his tee, boots, and socks and tossed them to a corner. He wouldn’t need them where he was going. He stood up, unlocked the door, and silently left the room.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>After talking to Sam, Jack had gone to see Teal’c and Loren.  The Jaffa hadn’t been there the last days, so he couldn’t know about Daniel's behavior, and the teenager didn’t know the archaeologist enough to draw conclusions. They spent some time chatting about ice-creams flavors, puppy dogs, and that wonderful Earthly invention called Hockey. Jack considered that he had cooled enough to talk to Daniel without risking a fight, so he went to meet his troubled lover. The door was closed, so he pushed the correct buttons and came into the bedroom.</p>
<p>“Daniel? You here?” He asked to the empty room.</p>
<p>No signs of his archaeologist. He checked the bathroom. Nothing. He was about to leave the room when something caught his attention. A little shimmer was visible in the dim light. Something was shinning next to the bed. The colonel moved closer until he could see the object clearly. Daniel’s glasses were lying on the nightstand. The archaeologist never wandered around without his glasses. Jack remembered the last time he had found those glasses thrown like this. It had been a few days ago. On Daniel’s apartment. On the counter, next to the phone receiver. When he had found him… Jesus! A cold shiver ran down Jack's spine and an icy feeling spread in his gut. Then he saw the clothes dumped on the corner.</p>
<p>
  <em>Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…! </em>
</p>
<p>He stormed out of the room and began to check all the palace’s rooms frenetically.</p>
<p>“Daniel! Daniel! Nothing. Not a single sound that could give a clue about the archaeologist’s whereabouts.</p>
<p>“Daniel!!! Daniel, goddammit, answer me!”</p>
<p>He went from room to room calling desperately for his lover. That couldn’t be what he was thinking, could it? The light was off. Daniel was better. He had to be better. Except he wasn’t. He hadn’t been improving like all of them. Why the hell had he ignored it? All the symptoms were there. The withdraw, the sudden irritability. Shit, shit, shit! Why had he ignored them, why? Why?!</p>
<p>DANIEL! DANIEL, FOR GOD’S SAKE! WHERE ARE YOU? DANNY!!!</p>
<p>He heard footsteps and turned around to see Sam and Teal’c running towards him.</p>
<p>“Colonel?” She asked with a look of confusion on his face.</p>
<p>“Has something transpired, O’Neill?” Asked Teal'c with his typical stoicism.</p>
<p>“Carter! Teal’c! I can’t find Daniel!”</p>
<p>“Sir, he’s probably wandering around, you know how excited he was about those writings on the walls.” She didn’t understand why his CO looked so alarmed.</p>
<p>“No, no, he left his glasses on his room! He never goes out without them, and I know he doesn’t have his contacts here. He hasn’t been himself lately. Carter, you noticed that too. Somehow this place is still affecting him. Something ‘s very wrong. I can feel it!”</p>
<p>“Sir, do you mean he could attempt to…?” she couldn’t even finish. The idea of his friend putting in jeopardy his life again made her gut twist.</p>
<p>“I don’t know, Major, I don’t know. Damn, we need to find him!”</p>
<p>“Then we must proceed immediately to locate him,” Teal’c stated firmly. “Which rooms have you checked,  O’Neill?”</p>
<p>“The whole west wing. Carter, you check the east one. Teal’c, go outside, check the beach. I'll go to the first floor!”</p>
<p>“Yes, sir!”</p>
<p>“We'll find him, my friend.”</p>
<p>They separated and Jack rushed towards the stairs that led to the upper floor. Damn, the place was huge. He could feel his heart pounding fast. He had a gut feeling that something terrible had happened to his lover. He was panic-stricken.  He sprinted from room to room without luck. And then, the second he stepped into the last room in the hallway, he heard a stifled sob.</p>
<p>“DANIEL!” What he saw stopped him on his tracks. His heart skipped a beat. No! Nononononono… this couldn’t be happening again.</p>
<p>Daniel was in a similar position as that fateful day in his apartment. The difference was that he was shirtless and the balcony was, in fact a small terrace circled by a two feet wide, three feet high stone wall. Daniel was sitting on the wall, with his legs dangling over the edge. Daniel’s arms were tightly wrapped around his midsection. He was rocking back and forth while his shoulders were bouncing up and down. He was crying with low sobs. A lump the size of Alaska formed in Jack’s throat. He moved closer slowly, he didn’t want to startle the distressed man.</p>
<p>This side of the palace was built directly into the sea and Jack could hear the waves crashing roughly against the base of the wall.  Jack cleared his throat softly to warn him of his presence and began to talk in a soothing tone.</p>
<p>“Daniel… what are you doing here?” Dejà Vu. Crap. He was even more scared than the last time.</p>
<p>“Go away,  Jack,” the archaeologist whispered with a cracked voice.</p>
<p>“Danny, please, I… I just want to help you.” The anguish was eating the colonel alive but he tried to keep an emotionless tone.</p>
<p>“You can’t help me,” his lover sobbed. “Nobody can. Only the light could help me, but I turned it off… I turned it off, I turned it off…” His voice trailed off to nothing. His shoulders started to shake harder and he increased the volume of the sobs. Why couldn’t Jack understand that he couldn’t go on without the light? He was feeling completely helpless. Why he hadn’t jumped yet was something he didn’t have an answer to.</p>
<p>“Daniel,  please… please… get down of here and come inside with me. We'll get through this together. We are a unity, remember?” Jack’s face crumpled and his whole body began to tremble.</p>
<p>Daniel fidgeted and moved closer to the edge. Jack chocked a gasp and managed to take a couple of steps forward. God, this couldn’t be happening again. If he didn’t succeed in reaching Daniel he could lose him forever. No, no. He needed to get to him, he had to get to him.</p>
<p>“Danny, baby,  please, come with me, please, we'll… we'll fix it together.” Jack’s voice broke. He wasn’t ashamed to admit he was scared to death. He could feel his heart slamming fiercely against his rib cage and a huge, heavy ball was settled inside his stomach.</p>
<p>“You can’t fix it, Jack… you can't…” He wanted to make Jack understand, but it was like the words were all jumbled in his brain. He couldn’t think clearly. He only could feel overwhelming despair.</p>
<p>“Why…?”</p>
<p>“You can’t fix ME!”  The archaeologist shifted to soul-wrenching sobs. His whole body was shaking badly and his breathing was coming in short gasps.</p>
<p>Jack moved a little closer. He could feel a cold sweat damping his palms. A couple more steps and he could touch him.</p>
<p>“Baby, why do you say that? There’s nothing wrong with you.” Jack was at a loss. “You’re the most wonderful person I've ever met, there’s nothing to fix. Danny, please, I love you, please, come inside with me.”</p>
<p>“No, nononononono… NO!”</p>
<p>Although he couldn’t see his face, Jack noticed the great tension on his lover’s body.</p>
<p>“You don’t understand, I’ve done terrible things. I need to stop this before I become that MONSTER!” His tone rose to emphasize this last word. Why couldn’t Jack see it? How could he still say that he was wonderful after all those awful things he had done? He wanted him to understand so he could forgive him for what he was about to do.</p>
<p>Jack was approaching him slowly. He muted a gasp when Daniel moved a little closer to the edge. He was absolutely terrified. Nothing he was saying seemed to reach the archaeologist at all.</p>
<p>“Daniel,  what… monster? What… what are you talking about?”</p>
<p>“Shifu knew,” his voice was a cracked whisper. “He knew… I've killed a lot of people, many jaffa… I need to stop before I kill more innocent people.” Another round of loud sobs signed his statement.</p>
<p>
  <em>Shit. Shitshitshitshitshit.</em>
</p>
<p>Daniel was caught on that damned dream again, the one where ha had blown up Moscow. They had talked about that weeks ago. He was supposed to have gotten over it. How the hell had that happened? It had to be that bloody palace for sure. Somehow it was still messing with Daniel’s brain.</p>
<p>“Danny… Danny, look at me please.” Jack felt tears stinging his eyes. He was beyond scared now, reaching the line of desperation. “Baby, look at me please… please. That was just a dream, you're not that man and… you'll never be…”</p>
<p>“You don’t know that!” the archaeologist interrupted him harshly. He tightened his self-hug. His body was now leaning dangerously forward. “I… yelled at the general… I… snapped at S…Sam…I even hurt you… before… in the hall… I shoved you without reason… what’s next, huh? That’s how it all began on that dream. Don’t you see it? It wasn’t a dream, it was a prophecy.” New images of his evil behavior on Shifu’s induced dream invaded his mind. His soul was consuming more and more with any one of them. He couldn’t hold it anymore. He couldn’t… he was hurting all over, his body, his heart, his soul… the pain was too much, too much…</p>
<p>“Danny, that’s not true. I don’t know what happened there but this wasn’t you, please, come inside with me, we'll talk about this. It’s this damned place, I don’t know why but it's still affecting you. Remember we promised each other that we'd always talk, that we'd figured everything out together. We are one, remember?”</p>
<p>Jack noticed that Daniel’s shoulders had stopped shaking, and his body was just trembling slightly. Slowly, the archaeologist turned around and faced Jack. His face was the picture of pain and anguish. His cheeks were damp and tears were still rolling past his chin. The red around his eyes contrasted with the deep blue of his irises. Jack saw him smiling slightly and he smiled him back. He reached out a hand and offered it to his lover. Daniel looked at the hand for a few seconds but he didn’t move. And then, very slowly, he began to unwrap his body. Jack swallowed the lump in his throat, but he didn’t dare to say anything that could startle the younger man, so he just kept smiling fondly, trying to transmit in that smile all his love and care for that man. He was holding his breath,  his heart was in his mouth. Finally, Daniel moved and sat on his knees facing Jack. He stretched his arm and took Jack’s hand. The colonel helped him to stand up. He was now standing up on the low wall. Just one step forward and he'd be out of danger. He gazed at Jack intensely, his smile broadened and then…</p>
<p>“I'm sorry, Jack, please, forgive me.”</p>
<p>With a jerk, he let go of his lover’s hand and leaped back towards the precipice.</p>
<p>“DANIEL!!! NOOOOOO!!!</p>
<p>Jack launched forward and threw himself over the wall, his hand desperately extended forward ready to reach any part of his archaeologist. He brushed against something blindly and he closed his hand tightly, praying that whatever he had grabbed was a part of his lover. He looked down and realized with relief that he had taken Daniel by his wrist. The younger man bounced against the exterior wall. Now Jack was lying on his stomach on the short wall, holding Daniel by his left wrist. The archaeologist was hanging eighty feet above the sea. The colonel quickly stretched his other arm so he could hold Daniel better, but the younger man was too heavy and Jack wasn’t in any position to use force. There was no way he could pull his lover up without reaching his other hand and getting some help from him.</p>
<p>“Daniel, give me your other hand!” He yelled desperately.</p>
<p>The archaeologist lifted his head and looked at Jack with puffy moistened eyes. His gaze was hollow.</p>
<p>“Jack, please, let go of me, please, please…” he begged with a broken voice. He was in so much pain, god, he needed to end this, he needed to end this now.</p>
<p>“No! Daniel, whatever is happening to you isn’t real! God, you gotta believe me! Gimme your hand! We'll get through it! C'mon, baby, please, I love you, I'm not mad at you cause you shoved me, don’t do this, gimme your hand!!!” He was absolutely desperate. God, why, why, why was Daniel doing this? He fought back tears. He needed all his strength to save his lover from the deathly fall.</p>
<p>“No, nooooo! Let go of me, it's the only way! I don’t wanna hurt anyone. If you save me I'll become that monster!” His shoulders started to shake again and new tears streamed along his yet damp cheeks. “Jack, I beg you, I beg you, let go of me…”</p>
<p>“NO! Never!! You hear me?! I'd rather fall with you! Now give me your fucking hand!!!” He noticed both Daniel and himself were sweating profusely and the younger man was slipping from his grip and he still refused to give Jack his hand. The archaeologist went on sobbing and muttering the same mantra over and over again.</p>
<p>“Let go of me, let go of me, it's the only way, let go of me…” He didn’t hear Jack anymore. All his being was dominated by the unbearable pain and what he thought it was the only way out.</p>
<p>“Daniel,  no, NO!!!” Jack realized that his lover wasn’t listening to him at all. He was totally focused on whatever the crap that was messing with his brain. He needed help and he needed it now. Trying to reach his radio was out of the equation, he needed both hands to hold Daniel. He started to shout with all the force his lungs were capable of. “Carter!!! Teal'c!!! Help, help!!! CARTER!!! TEAL'C!!!</p>
<p>Sam heard the commotion from the room she was checking on the lower floor of the palace and raced upstairs following his CO voice. He sounded desperate. Something very bad was happening. On the other hand, Teal'c, who was doing his search along the beach, was also alerted by O’Neill's cries for help. He turned around and looked at the palace. From a distance, he couldn’t see what was going on clearly, but he realized that something was happening on one of the terraces. He half-closed his eyes to have a better focus and saw that a person was hanging above the rough sea, swinging perilously.</p>
<p>“Danieljackson?” he muttered to himself. He began to run top speed towards the palace. As he approached the building he could hear more clearly O’Neill's cries for help.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Jack realized with horror that his grip on Daniel’s hand was losing strength.</p>
<p>“Daniel, no, NO!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE GIVE ME YOUR OTHER HAND!” The archeologist still didn’t react to his lover’s pleas. “DANIEL, GIVE YOUR HAND, GOD, DON’T DO THIS TO ME, GIVE ME YOUR HAND, PLEASE, WE’LL FIX IT, I PROMISE, GIVE ME YOUR HAND!”</p>
<p>Suddenly, the younger man stopped weeping. His sapphire blue eyes locked his gaze with Jack’s chocolate ones. They were shinning due to the released tears and their color had a vivid intensity. And all of a sudden they weren’t hollow anymore. Daniel’s expression was… serene?</p>
<p>“Please, Jack, forgive me,” he whispered.</p>
<p>And with great horror, the colonel felt his lover’s hand slipping from his own ones and watched as his body began his vertiginous descent to the abyss.</p>
<p>“GOD, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DANNYYYYYYY!!!</p>
<p>Without a second thought, Jack took off his tactical vest and threw it to the ground along with his sidearm, and climbed to the wall. At that very moment, Sam stepped into the terrace and watched with shock as his CO jumped head first towards the water.</p>
<p>“COLONEL!”</p>
<p>Jack didn’t even hear her. All his focus was on his lover, the man who he just saw hitting the seawater with a huge splash. He didn’t know if there were rocks concealed beneath the surface and he didn’t care. If there were any, he'd crash and die together with the man he considered his husband. If there weren’t, then he'd have a chance to save him.</p>
<p>Sam turned around and started to run full speed towards the palace exit. When he crossed the main hall, she came across a worried Loren.</p>
<p>“Major Sam, what’s happening?” He asked nervously.</p>
<p>“Loren, stay here, just don’t move from here!” And with no more explanations, she rushed towards the beach.</p>
<p>Jack dove into the water hard and was stunned for a few seconds. He felt his body descending into the sea and the coldness of the water awakened his senses. Something brushed his arm hard and flinched in pain. A rock. He’d have a nasty bruise or a cut there. If he survived, of course. He stopped his descent and swam to the surface. Once he got his head out of the water he began to look desperately in all directions. No sign of Daniel anywhere. He still had to be underwater. He took a deep inhalation and dove into the water looking frenetically for his lover. Once he ran out of oxygen, he swam to the surface again, took another deep breath, and resumed his search. He was going to resurface with Daniel or he wasn’t going to resurface at all. God, where was he? He had to be there, he had just hit the water a few seconds before him.</p>
<p>
  <em>Godgodgod,  this couldn’t be happening. Not Danny, please, not Danny, not Danny, he had to find him, he had to be ok, pleasepleaseplease! </em>
</p>
<p>His heart was pounding so fast he thought he was going to have a cardiac arrest right away. He didn’t care, that was the best thing that could happen to him if he couldn’t save his lover. <em>God Danny, where are you, where are you?!</em> Just when he felt he was going to run out of oxygen again, he saw a dark shadow about fifteen feet in front of him.</p>
<p>
  <em>Danny! </em>
</p>
<p>He swam with all his strength. Yes, it was him! He wasn’t moving at all. A dark silhouette,  like some sort of tendrils, was rising up from somewhere on the lower part of his body. Blood. Daniel must have hit a rock in his fall. <em>God, nonono, he has to be alive, please, please.</em> He moved behind him as fast as he could, wrapped his arms tightly around his chest, and began to kick the water hard, propelling both of them to the surface. He couldn’t feel anything under his arms. Was Daniel’s heart beating at all? Jack swam and swam upwards with all his strength. His lungs were about to explode. He reached the surface and managed to keep his lover’s head above the water. He gasped for air hard. God, he was exhausted, and he still had to reach the shore. Suddenly he realized someone else was in the water, swimming towards them furiously.</p>
<p>
  <em>Teal’c!</em>
</p>
<p>The jaffa had arrived just in time to see O’Neill diving for the second time and had thrown himself into the water to assist him.</p>
<p>“O’Neill!” The jaffa made his presence known.</p>
<p>“Teal’c! Help me, I think he isn’t breathing! Jack panted.</p>
<p>“Leave him to me!” The jaffa took hold of the archaeologist and began to swim like a bat out of hell.</p>
<p>Jack followed him as fast as he could despite his exhaustion. When he reached the shore he ran to his lover. He was motionless, lying on his back on the wet sand.  The Colonel kneeled next to him. Sam had just arrived and was anxiously checking his vitals.</p>
<p>“No pulse! He isn’t breathing!” She looked at his CO, who returned the gaze with deep angst written all over his face. “Colonel, we need to start CPR, now!</p>
<p>Jack was just catching his breath, so Sam took action immediately. She interlocked her fingers, put the heels of her hands on the archaeologist’s chest, and started the compressions. One- two- three- four - five… thirty. She quickly tilted Daniel’s head, opened his airways to make sure that nothing was obstructing the way, pinched his nostrils, and blew into his mouth twice. Meanwhile, the colonel had recuperated his strength and focused on the rescue task.</p>
<p>“I'll give the chest compressions,  Carter, you do the breathing!”</p>
<p>One-two-three-four-five… thirty compressions, two rescue breaths, thirty compressions, two rescue breaths. Both Colonel and Major were working frantically, but still, Daniel wasn’t giving signs of recuperation.</p>
<p>“C'mon, Daniel, don’t do this, don’t do this, breathe, breathe!” Jack implored. But his lover was still not responding to their ministrations. How many minutes had passed, anyway?</p>
<p>Teal’c was watching the scene feeling completely useless. What happened to his friend? He appeared to be ok the last time he saw him. He noticed the wet sand under the archaeologist’s left leg was dyeing with red. Daniel seemed to be injured. He likely hit a rock in his fall.</p>
<p>“Daniel, c'mon, c'mon! Don’t give up, don’t give up, damnit! Breathe, breathe!” Jack was lost in his despair. Daniel couldn’t be dead. He couldn’t. They had to continue, they had to bring him back.”Breathe, damnit, don’t you dare do this to me, you stubborn sonofabitch! Breathe!</p>
<p>“Sir, it's been more than ten minutes!”  Sam’s voice broke, her eyes were filled with tears threatening to fall.</p>
<p>“We are not giving up, Carter!” He resumed the compressions. He wondered how he could even do them considering how hard he was shaking. His heart was screaming a silent plea. “<em>Danny, please, please, don’t do this, I love you, I can’t go on without you, we'll fix whatever is happening to you together, you have to live, please Danny, breathe, breathe, don’t leave me, god, don’t leave me…!”</em></p>
<p>All of a sudden, Daniel’s body jerked and he began to cough and threw up a mouthful of water. Quickly, Jack and Sam rolled him so he could rest on his side. He went on convulsing, coughing and retching. Jack rubbed his back for comfort. They had got Daniel’s body back. How were they going to get his soul back if he didn’t know what had triggered the suicide attempt?</p>
<p>Without warning,  Daniel arched his back and let out an agonizing scream of pain.</p>
<p>“Danieljackson has hurt his leg on his fall, O’Neill. I believe is a severe injury,” Teal’c pointed.</p>
<p>The blood. Jack suddenly remembered. He had seen blood flowing from Daniel’s body when he found him in the water. He realized the sand under his lover's body was crimson red and strands of blood were running towards the water. They moved his body on his back again and Sam started her examination. There was a tear on Daniel’s fatigues, at the height of his left thigh and a considerable amount of blood was spouting from there.  Sam took his knife and carefully cut the pants to expose the injury. The entire area was highly inflamed and covered with a large bruise. Blood was gushing from a four-inch cut.</p>
<p>“Sir, I think he broke his femur. There’s a lot of blood” He looked at his CO with panic in her eyes. “We need to stop the bleeding, Sir, if he hit an artery he could bleed to death in minutes!”</p>
<p>She pressed her hands to the wound. Daniel squirmed under the pressure, squeezed his eyes shut, and screamed again.  Jack’s heart started to beat even faster. Even so, the adrenaline rush was keeping him focused, so he quickly reached his belt and began to unbuckle it. This hadn’t finished yet. Daniel’s life was still hanging in the balance.</p>
<p>The archaeologist's eyelids slid opened and looked at Jack with pain-filled eyes.</p>
<p>“No, no…” he whispered. “Let me… go… please…  Jack… why… why…?” He was so confused and in so much pain. Had Jack saved him from his fall after all? God, his leg was on fire, but any physical pain couldn’t compare with the unbearable agony in his soul.</p>
<p>“No, Danny, no, I'm not gonna let you die, we'll get through this, whatever this is. You’ll be ok, you hear me? You have to hang on. Please hang on, don’t  give up, we'll get through this.”</p>
<p>With trembling hands, he positioned the belt under his lover’s thigh and fastened it hard an inch over the wound.</p>
<p>“No, Jack, no, please… let me… aaaaaaaahhhh!” the pressure of the tourniquet sent excruciating pain to his leg. He began to shake hard. He couldn’t think.  The only existing thing was the pain.</p>
<p>“Sir, he's going into shock. We need to take him back to the palace and contact Janet.”</p>
<p>“I'll carry DanieJackson,” Teal’c said. He kneeled next to his friend and took him on his arms as if he was a small child. He stood up and began to jog towards the castle, Jack and Sam hot on his heels. It was then that the Major noticed the blood in the Colonel’s sleeve.</p>
<p>“Sir, your arm, you’re hurt, too.”</p>
<p>“I brushed a rock, is no big deal,” he replied without losing Teal’c's tracks.</p>
<p>“But sir…”</p>
<p>“Later, Carter, I'm fine, let's take care of Daniel first.”</p>
<p>Daniel was alternating moans of pain with pleas to let him go. Why didn’t they understand? He needed to die. It was the only way to save them all. God, he was in agony, both physically and emotionally. It was a deserved punishment for him, but not enough. Only death would be the way out. He needed to get rid of his friends and try again. Next time he wouldn’t fail. But with the injury on his leg, how could he run away? The need for ending with everything was overwhelming, but he couldn’t… He couldn’t even move. God, he could feel his soul crying in extreme agony. The feeling was unbearable. He needed to end this and needed to do it now.</p>
<p>“God, please… let me go… aaaahg! Let me die, let me die, let me die… please… aaagh, god! Aaaaaaahhhhh!” He could feel his soul tearing apart slowly. Unendurable oppression was squeezing his heart and he began to scream and cry with soul-wrenching sobs.</p>
<p>He was shaking so hard that Teal’c feared he could slip from his arms and doubled the speed. In a few seconds, they arrived at the palace. Teal’c ran to Daniel’s bedroom and as gently as he could lay him on his bed. As soon as he noticed the mattress under his back, the archaeologist started to thrash. The pain in his leg was restraining his movements, otherwise, he’d have bolt off the bed and run away.</p>
<p>Jack sat on the bed next to him, took his hand, and began to soothe him with comforting words, but nothing he could say seemed to reach his lover. He was lost in his own distorted world. Suddenly his eyes wide opened and his back arched so impossibly that Jack thought he was going to break a vertebra. He started to convulse uncontrollably.</p>
<p>“He's having a seizure!” Sam yelled out. “Sir, we need to hold him or he could seriously hurt himself!”</p>
<p>Both Jack and Teal’c launched towards their friend, turned him on his side and held him tightly, Teal’c by his shoulders and arms while Jack kept a grasp his uninjured leg. Daniel’s mouth began to spit foam while his body jerked back and forth fiercely. After some endless seconds, he suddenly stopped his motion and went completely limp. His eyes closed and his head lolled to his side. Jack’s heart stopped. An invisible fist punched him hard in the gut.  No, no, nonono… did he just…? He stretched his trembling arm to his lover’s neck searching for a pulse. He let out the air he hadn’t realized was holding when he found it. It was too weak and fast, but it was there. Daniel was cold to the touch and all color had drained from his face.</p>
<p>“Sir, we need to take off his clothes and warm him up.” Sam was firm in her statement. She had the highest medical training of the four of them and despite her nervousness, she was able to handle the situation well.</p>
<p>“Ok, Major, Teal’c, help her, I'm going to contact the SGC, we need Janet’s advisement right away.” Although Jack didn’t want to lose sight of his lover for a single second  he knew the best thing he could do for him right now was to contact the doctor. He had barely stood up from his sitting position when a voice filled the room.</p>
<p>“Colonel Jack! Colonel Jack!”     </p>
<p>“Loren, in here!” Jack replied, rushing to the door.</p>
<p>The teenager came into the room and stopped on his track. “Colonel Jack, the…” his eyes wide opened when he saw Daniel's condition. “Oh, huh… wha… what… is Dr. Daniel alright?”</p>
<p>Jack stood up in front of the alien kid. “No, Loren, he is not alright, he’s not alright at all. What didn’t you tell us? What are you hiding from us?”</p>
<p>The teen took a couple of steps backward, feeling intimidated by the tall man. “Wha… what? No… nothing, I… I swear, I… he… I to-told you… everything I know,” he stammered.</p>
<p>“Loren, something in this place is still affecting him and I want to know why!” Jack was terrified about his lover’s condition, and as usual, when he was scared, his automatic response was anger.</p>
<p>“Sir, we don’t know for sure what’s happening to him.” Sam tried to calm him down “We need to contact Janet now!”</p>
<p>“That's what I came to tell you, the… the stargate has been activated,” Loren explained.</p>
<p>“Wha…?” All of a sudden Sam's radio crackled.</p>
<p>“Stargate command to SG-1. Colonel O’Neill, can you hear me?”</p>
<p>Sam tossed her radio to her CO. “General, Sir, something happened, we need…” Before he could continue a new voice interrupted him.</p>
<p>“Colonel, it's Dr. Fraiser here, I just got the results of your blood tests. Sir, something is wrong with Daniel. You have to keep an eye on him, this is very important!”</p>
<p>“Of course there’s something wrong with him, he attempted to suicide a few minutes ago! He's badly hurt, we need your help!”</p>
<p>“Oh, my God,” the doctor’s shocked voice replied. “What happened? How is he?”</p>
<p>Jack gave the radio back to Sam. Despite the fact she was a bundle of nerves, Sam managed to explain to Janet what happened.</p>
<p>“Sam, Sam, I want you to calm down, ok? You did well, you did well. Is he conscious?”</p>
<p>Jack moved next to Sam. “He’s is out cold, doc,” Jack explained, the tension reflected in his voice tone.“ He started to shake, hard, Carter said he had a seizure, and now he’s unconscious. He’s white as a sheet and he's frozen. Janet, he… I think he lost a lot of blood.”</p>
<p>They heard Janet's voice fading a bit as she moved her mouth away from the microphone to speak with the general.</p>
<p>“Sir, I request permission to join them in...”</p>
<p>“Request denied, Doctor,” Hammond cut her firmly. “We can’t risk exposing anyone else to whatever is affecting Dr. Jackson.”</p>
<p>“But, Sir,” Janet protested, “he could be in serious jeopardy, he could still die, Sir.”</p>
<p>“Then you better explain to them what to do to prevent that from happening. Major Carter has some medical training, so we have to trust that it will be enough.”</p>
<p>Thousands of lights years far away, the only thing Jack heard was “<em>he could still die, Sir</em>”, and his blood froze in his veins. “Doc! I don’t want to hear that, tell us what to do!”</p>
<p>“Ok, listen to me.  I contacted you because Daniel’s last bloodwork showed an alarmingly low dopamine level. I don’t know what’s causing it, considering the fact that you and Major Carter are both ok. Looks like something is blocking the recovery of his dopamine levels.”</p>
<p>“But, Janet,” Sam intervened, “how can this be possible? He recovered quickly after coming back to the planet. He was ok. And when we turned off the device we were all ok. The effects are supposed to be decreasing progressively, which is happening with me, the Colonel and Loren.”</p>
<p>“I still don’t know what’s causing it, but until then you need to keep an eye on him, he could try it again.”</p>
<p>“I’ll take care of it, Janet, I won’t leave him alone,” Jack said, absolutely convinced of keeping that promise. He wouldn’t take his eye off his lover until he was sure that he was fully recovered. He wasn’t going to lose him, not that way, not now, not ever.</p>
<p>“Ok,  I don’t dare to prescribe him any medication without knowing what's causing this but in any case you need to take care of his leg injury, Sam, could you…?”</p>
<p>“Janet, I’m not trained enough for this,” Sam interrupted her. “I think his femur is badly broken, he even might need surgery,  and we can’t keep the tourniquet much longer either.”</p>
<p>“Damn.” Janet turned to the General. “Sir, with all due respect, she is right, they need a medic in there.”</p>
<p>Before the General could reply, Jack’s voice crackled through the microphone. “Carter, what about that goa’uld glowing thingy? You know, the one you used to heal… Cronus?”</p>
<p>“The healing device? Woah, Sir, I don’t know… I can’t control that thing so well, what if I…?” She got pale at the thought of making things worse.</p>
<p>“You controlled it pretty well with that snakehead. Look, Carter,” he grabbed her by her shoulders and stared directly at her eyes. “The other options are a dead Daniel or a crippled one, and neither of those options is acceptable. If we don’t do something right now he’s is going to lose that leg, and you know it, so please.”</p>
<p>She looked at his brown eyes and saw deep pain in them. She also was very worried about her friend, but what she read in that glance, was pure despair. She dropped her eyes, unable to bear such a look of pain.</p>
<p>“Ok, ok, I’ll try.” She pressed her radio button. “General, Sir, what the Colonel suggested might be our best bet. I keep the goa’uld healing device in the safety box. I need you to send it to me.”</p>
<p>“Are you sure, Major?” Hammond didn’t want to lose his most valuable civilian, but he knew that was risky.</p>
<p>“Sir, we need to treat that leg now. Otherwise, he could bleed to death. Maybe I can’t repair the damage completely but I need to try.”</p>
<p>She made eye contact with the colonel. Jack looked her intensely and he could read the deep anguish written in her face. Although differently, she also loved Daniel deeply. He could see the sheer fear printed in every inch of her face. She’d never jeopardize Daniel’s life. He trusted her about that with every piece of his heart.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” he muttered silently.</p>
<p>“Alright Major, I’ll ask Sargent Siler to retrieve the device. You’ll get it in no time.”</p>
<p>“Sir, Sam,” Janet was speaking now, “I’ll send you blood and the equipment so you can start a transfusion once his thigh is healed. I’ll also send you a monitoring machine so you can check his vitals constantly. I need you to contact me and give me the readings every four hours unless there is any significant change. I’ll contact you when the shipment is ready. Meanwhile, try to keep him dry and warm and the more comfortable possible. Dr. Fraiser out.”</p>
<p>As soon as the transmission finished, Jack rushed to check on his lover. Teal’c had undressed him and covered him with a blanket. The Colonel sat on the bed’s border and grabbed the younger man’s hand. He began to cradle his hair softly with his other hand.</p>
<p>“Aw, Danny, what’s happening to you? You have to be ok, you hear me? Don’t dare to give up, whatever it is we’ll figure it out, we’ll figure it out…” He noticed his voice was about to break and stopped speaking before he could reveal more about his feelings. He didn't intend to break the news to his teammates just yet. He kept squeezing Daniel’s hand and soothing him with tender motions through his hair, while he was mentally screaming his pleas.</p>
<p>“If I’m not needed at the moment, I’ll go to change my clothes,” Teal’c said. Both he and Jack were still soaked after rescuing the archaeologist. “O’Neill, do you wish I retrieve some dry clothes for you also?</p>
<p>“Hmm, yeah, T, thanks. I have a change of clothes in my room,” he replied without looking away from Daniel. “Oh, and, could you please go upstairs and get my tac vest and gun? I threw them to the terrace floor when…”</p>
<p>Teal’c bowed his head and left.</p>
<p>“Sir, I should take care of your injury. It could get infected,” Sam reminded Jack.</p>
<p>He had been so focused on his lover’s welfare that he had forgotten about it. He removed his tee reluctantly. Although it was bleeding profusely it was more like an abrasion than a cut. Sam cleaned and bandaged it.</p>
<p>“Thank you, Major,” and he focused on soothing the archaeologist again.</p>
<p>Sam felt strangely awkward. There was something oddly intimate in the colonel’s movements that made her wonder… no, that was silly. Daniel was probably the Colonel's best friend and he was showing his concern. She thought about the incident with the Za’tarc detector some months ago, when Jack said that he’d rather die than lose her. After that, she had fantasized that maybe the Colonel was harboring romantic feelings for her but seeing his deep concern for the archaeologist, she had to admit that all SG-1 members were likely special to the Colonel. He'd die for any of them, and he proved it when he dove to the sea behind his friend.</p>
<p>“Sir, I… I'll go to the main hall, I don’t think Janet will take long to contact us,” Sam announced.</p>
<p>“Ok, Carter, contact me as soon as the gate activates, will you? He requested softly. “Oh, and take Loren with you, this is no place for a kid.”</p>
<p>The teenager had been watching the whole scene from a corner and he looked troubled.</p>
<p>“Yes, Sir.” And she left, followed close by the alien kid.</p>
<p>Jack continued his tender movements without looking away from his lover. He didn’t try to wake him up. To do so would awaken the agony in his leg, and if there was something in the world that Jack truly hated was watching Daniel on any kind of pain.  A few minutes later, Teal’c came in carrying new clothes for Jack, his tac vest and his gun.</p>
<p>“Thanks, T, leave it all on that table.” He stood up and grabbed the clothes. “Could you…?” He signaled Daniel with his head.</p>
<p>“I’ll take care of DanielJackson while you change your clothes, my friend.” The jaffa sat cross-legged in front of the bed while Jack started to undress. “I noticed you care for DanielJackson deeply, O’Neill,” said Teal’c from his guarding position at the bed foot.</p>
<p>“Gee, Teal’c, of course, I care about all of you, we're not just teammates, we’re friends, you know that. We’ve been for years now.”</p>
<p>“That’s not what I meant O’Neill,” added Teal’c with his usual monotone and stoic expression.</p>
<p>“What do you…?” OK, now Jack was starting to feel awkward. He wasn’t sure he liked where this conversation was aiming. He glanced at the jaffa and saw what looked like an attempt of a mischievous smile.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to worry, my friend. Your secret is well guarded with me.”</p>
<p>Jack looked at him open-mouthed stunned. And what was that sudden heat on his cheeks? Damn jaffa, he was making him blush!</p>
<p>“You do not need to be ashamed, my friend. Your behavior is something naturally accepted among the Jaffa culture.”</p>
<p>The “O” in Jack’s mouth doubled its size. It was useless to deny it. The Jaffa were very observant people. That was one of their more developed skills. On the one hand, he felt relieved that his friend knew the truth.</p>
<p>“Hmm… thanks, T… I think. Just… don’t tell Carter, ok? I don’t wanna put her in any compromising position.” He laced his boots and resumed his previous position next to Daniel.</p>
<p>“You do not have to worry about that, my friend. However, I am in need to give you some serious advice.”</p>
<p>“Oh, and that would be?” Jack rose his eyebrows in expectation. Teal’c stared at him intensely.</p>
<p>“No matter how deep is the friendship that binds us together, if you harm DanielJackson in any way, I’ll be forced to disembowel you and serve your innards to the ebony ravens of Lator’etk’na.”</p>
<p>Jack gulped hard and instinctively put a hand on his stomach. “Then I think my… innards… aren’t safe, because this is all my fault.”</p>
<p>“How is that your fault, O’Neill?”</p>
<p>“His symptoms were the same as before, on Earth, and I ignored them. I thought he was… I don’t know, stressed, suffering an after effect of his last… death. God, had I known…” He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed the heels of his hands on them. “I… I’d never hurt him on purpose, I love him too much for that.”</p>
<p>“Good.” With a smile of satisfaction, the jaffa retook his firm guard pose. “But I honestly believe neither of this is your fault, my friend. As you said, both MajorCarter and yourself are doing well, so after the ordeal DanielJackson has gone through, stress was the most logical explanation.”</p>
<p>“God, Teal’c, If he doesn’t make it…” he rubbed his face furiously.</p>
<p>At that moment, Daniel let out a soft whimper and jerked weakly. Jack quickly leaned over him and took his face with his hands.</p>
<p>“Daniel,  Daniel, you’re injured, you need to lay still, don’t try to move. Carter has gone to get help.”</p>
<p>The archaeologist's eyelids fluttered and his eyes half opened only to shut again. “J'ck… no… no, pl'se, no…” Anguish was written all over his features and began to quiver under the blanket.</p>
<p>“Danny, you’re gonna be alright, you just need to hold on a little longer. I know you’re hurting. We talked to Janet. She’s sending help.” Jack tried to reassure him.</p>
<p>“No… no… why, why did you… save… me? Please, J'ck… h'lp me…”</p>
<p>“I'm here, I'm here, I'm gonna help you, you'll get better in no time, you'll see.”</p>
<p>“N-n-no…” His face crumpled as if he was enduring terrible pain and a thick tear escaped the corner of his eye and rolled down until it splashed on the mattress. “J'ck… I wanna… die, pl'se, h'lp me… to… die…”</p>
<p>Jack’s blood froze on his veins. His lover's words felt like a sharp knife burying in his belly and twisting in its way up to rip his whole being. He moved backward in shock.</p>
<p>Seeing his friend paralysis, Teal’c took the word.  “Nor O’Neill nor I will fulfill this request, Daniejackson.” “You appear to be still affected by the technology of this place. We'll do whatever is necessary to restore your health, but in no circumstances, we'll help to commit such atrocity.</p>
<p>“No… no… you don’t understand!” he cried. “It has… to be done, it's… the only w'y to… keep you… safe.”His breathing began to be more labored, coming in short gasps. He tried to sit up but before Jack had time to push him down he fell bonelessly on the bed again. “Can't… c'n't… God, help me…!” He began to cry in silent sobs, his body writhing weakly, his mouth contorted in a grimace.</p>
<p>The effects of the fall and the blood loss had drained his strength. Suddenly the colonel radio crackled.</p>
<p>“Colonel, the Stargate is been activated,” Sam announced anxiously.</p>
<p>“On my way! T, keep an eye on him, will you?” And without waiting for an answer, he ran towards the main hall.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>A few minutes later, the whole delivered equipment was next to Daniel’s bed. The archaeologist was still wriggling, but Jack noticed his movements were weaker. He was running out of strength fast. The Colonel uncovered his lover’s leg. It wasn’t looking good. The swollen and bruising had increased tenfold. They needed to take action immediately, otherwise, the tourniquet was threatening to cut the flux of blood permanently. Daniel could lose his leg. Sam put the healing device on his right hand and kneeled on the floor in front of his friends’ injury. She swallowed the lump in her throat and looked at her CO with watery eyes.</p>
<p>“Sir, I…”</p>
<p>“Do what you can, Major. We trust you, and I’m sure Daniel also does.”</p>
<p>“Sir, now that he is conscious, this is going to hurt. I need you to hold him still.”</p>
<p>Both Jack and Teal’c took their positions. Sam gulped again, aimed the healing device to the injury and closed her eyes in concentration.  Some seconds passed but nothing happened.</p>
<p>“Damn,” her voice cracked.</p>
<p>“That’s ok, Carter, that’s ok, you need to relax, you can do it, I know you can,”  Jack encouraged her.</p>
<p>She took a deep breath and nodded. She shut her eyes again and aimed the device. She tried to visualize the damage and concentrated in her feelings for her friend, in how much she loved him and wished to help him, and a few seconds later, the device began to glow. At first, Daniel didn't move, but then he began to writhe restlessly, and all of a sudden he wide opened his eyes and let out a soul-wrenching shriek. Sam's heart skipped a beat but she didn’t stop. Jolinar’s memories were telling her that the pain was part of the healing process. The device was replacing broken bone and tissue in its place. God, it had to be similar to being operated without anesthesia.</p>
<p>“Sir, you need to remove the tourniquet now and hold him tight!”</p>
<p>Jack was unmoving for a second, fearing that they were making things worse, but when he saw that Teal’c accomplished with her request, he joined the jaffa in restraining the archaeologist once he released the belt pressing his thigh. Daniel pressed his lips together in an attempt to stop his agony and began to shake harder. Together with his physical pain, the overwhelming despair in his soul reinvigorated beyond limits and he couldn’t hold it anymore.</p>
<p>“No, noooooo, aaaaaghhh! Let go of me… please… god…hurts, h’rts! No… no… let go of me, let go of me, let go of me! Letmedieletmedieletmedie… pl'se… pl'se… aaagh…” His voice faded to nothing and new pain-induced tears began to stream down his cheeks. He couldn’t find his voice anymore and he continued sobbing silently, his whole body trembling, his head rocking from side to side, his mouth open in a silent plea for them to stop. Why couldn’t they understand it? He needed them to understand they were saving a murderer, a psychopath monster, but he hurt so much that he couldn’t talk anymore.</p>
<p>Jack wanted to scream, to yell at Carter to stop hurting Daniel, that he could get into shock, but he saw the swollen on his lover’s leg was lessening and the bruise fading. The bleed also reduced its flux. As painful as it was both for Daniel and himself, it was working. Even though, the stress became too much for the archaeologist’s body and blackness engulfed him as he lost consciousness again.</p>
<p>“Daniel!” Jack checked his pulse and sighed in relief when he found it, fast but not so weak as before.</p>
<p>Then, all of a sudden, the orange glow on the healing device faded and Sam collapsed.</p>
<p>“MajorCarter!” Teal’c grabbed her before she hit her head on the floor.</p>
<p>Sam wobbled, blinked repeatedly, and leaned against the jaffa.</p>
<p>“I'm ok, I'm ok,” she panted. “I’ve done… all I could… Sir, I hope it's enough. Wow… that thing… really… takes a lot.”</p>
<p>“Carter, go to take some rest,” Jack invited.</p>
<p>“Negative, Sir” Sam replied firmly</p>
<p>“Do I have to make it an order, Major?” Jack insisted.</p>
<p>“With all due respect, Sir, I'm not done yet. Unless you know how to set a blood transfusion I still have work to do here. Besides, although I think the bone is repaired I couldn’t stop the bleeding completely, we need to close that injury, ” she insisted stubbornly. “I'm ok, Sir, really.”</p>
<p>Jack thought for a second. Until  Daniel’s blood wasn’t replaced there was still a risk of shock, so he had to agree with his subordinate.</p>
<p>“Ok, ok, but let us help you, ok? Tell us what to do.”</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Half an hour later Daniel was receiving his most needed blood, his wound was patched and he was hooked to the vitals monitor. His heartbeat was still a bit fast, his blood pressure quite low and he was running a bit of a temperature. Sam was exhausted. She contacted Janet at the SGC to inform her of the situation and went to her room to rest for a while. The next contact was scheduled in four hours.</p>
<p>Teal’c went to keep some company to Loren while Jack sat on his lover’s bedside. Now that things were a bit quieter, he focused on thinking about what had happened. He leaned forward, rested his elbows on his knees, and rubbed his face in frustration. As the man of action he was, he hated when he didn’t understand what the problem was and therefore, was unable to do anything about it.</p>
<p>“God, Danny, what’s happening to you?” he whispered to himself. “I promise whatever it is we'll get through it together. We are one, remember? We are one.” He blinked back the tears that were threatening to spill. He intertwined his fingers with his lover and brought his knuckles to his lips. “I love you, Daniel,” he said softly. “I love more than anything and I'll be here for you, always. Never forget that.”</p>
<p>He sat in the most comfortable position he could get and settled himself for a long vigil.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Several hours later, a cracked voice pulled him off his slumber. “J"ck?”</p>
<p>The colonel quickly focused on his lover and found confusing drowsy eyes staring at him.</p>
<p>“Hey, hey,” he smiled softly and brushed his forehead with his thumb tenderly.</p>
<p>“Wh't happ'ned?” the archaeologist asked weakly, his eyebrows knitted together showing his confusion.</p>
<p>“You don’t remember?”</p>
<p>“N-n-no…”</p>
<p>“Danny,  just… tell me… how are you, hmm, feeling?” He was so afraid his lover retook the monster speech… he held his breath, his heart slamming hard on his chest.</p>
<p>“Feel'ng?” He closed his eyes tightly and stayed like that for a few seconds, trying to find an adjusted answer. “I feel… weird.” He stared at the colonel with a confused expression, like someone waking up with a hangover in his girlfriend’s sister bed and not knowing what the hell happened last night.</p>
<p>“Just…weird? Care to elaborate?” Weird wasn’t so bad, Jack thought with a glimpse of hope. Weird was far from “I'm a monster I want to die, yadda yadda…”</p>
<p>Daniel stared at the ceiling as if the answer was written in the adorned panels that decorated it.</p>
<p>“Hmm… leg hurts a bit… stomach churns… and… I don’t know, inside I feel  like…” he turned his head to face his lover, “sad?” It was more of a question than a statement.</p>
<p>“Just… sad? Not…” Jack swallowed hard, his mouth felt dry like sandpaper, “not depressed, as if willing to… to die?” He squeezed his lover’s hand harder and braced himself for the answer.</p>
<p>“What?!” Daniel wide opened his eyes in horror. “Die? Jack, what, god, why do you say that I… god, I love you, I don’t wanna die… I… god, did I die again? What happened, what happened?!” He looked at his lover's eyes intensely and he could read… fear?  No, no, it was… it was sheer terror. Then all of a sudden he was aware of his surroundings: the transfusion equipment dripping blood right to his vein, the vitals monitor, the bandage on his thigh, and shattered pieces of confused memories rushed into his brain like a hail storm. A sudden terror struck him and he began to tremble.</p>
<p>“Jack, what did I do? Tell me, what did I do?!”</p>
<p>Jack leaned over him, took both sides of his head with his hands, and glued their foreheads together. “Shhhh, shhhh, it's over, baby,” he whispered trying to calm down his distressed lover. “It's  over,  you’re ok, you'll be ok.”</p>
<p>“Jack, please, tell me what I did,” the younger man pleaded anxiously.</p>
<p>Jack didn’t answer immediately, not sure if knowing would do him any good, but he decided he needed to know, in case the symptoms appeared again, he needed to know the truth, that nothing was wrong with him, that whatever feelings of despair he might have, they were and alien influence, and therefore there had to be a cure. So in a very soothing tone, and caressing his face the whole time, Jack told him everything, from the day he found him on the wrong side of the balcony to his near-suicide experience just a few hours ago. Daniel stared at him in shock. He knew he had flatlined at the SGC but nobody had told him about his suicide attempt in his apartment. God, he was horrified. Two suicide attempts in six days?</p>
<p>“Oh, my god, Jack, god, I don’t wanna die, not now, you’re the best thing ever happened to me, I'm willing to live this experience, to be with you, with every part of my being.”</p>
<p>“I know, baby, it wasn’t you, it wasn’t you, it’s that damned place. I don’t know if it’s really over, Janet hasn’t figured out yet what's different with you. You have to promise me that if you feel depressed again you’ll  tell me right away.”</p>
<p>“I'm feeling a bit depressed now, Jack,” Daniel confessed, “but not the way you’re talking about. Yes, I feel weirdly sad and… gloomy, maybe, but not to the point to end my life, God, no.”</p>
<p>Jack closed his eyes and breathed deeply, letting his lover’s words reassure his soul. Maybe the cure effects on Daniel were just delayed? Maybe the worst was over and he’d be ok now? He didn’t want to cry victory just yet, but for now, he felt a slab lifting from his heart.</p>
<p>There was a soft knock at the door, warning enough so both men could take a less compromising position, and Sam came into the room. When she realized Daniel was awake she smiled briefly and then her expression became one of deep concern.</p>
<p>“Daniel, hey, how are you feeling?” she asked cautiously.</p>
<p>“Sam, you don’t need to walk on eggshells anymore. Jack told me what happened. I don’t understand it myself, and I'm not in my best mood but I'm not suicidal if that’s what you’re worried about.”</p>
<p>“God, Daniel,  I got so scared,” she sat on his bed and hugged him as hard as the wires attached at his body let her. “Do you think it’s over"?</p>
<p>“Honestly I don’t know, Sam, you don’t know why this happened in the first place, don’t you?” The archaeologist was quite worried. What if there was really something in that place still affecting him? What if he fell again on that pit of despair Jack described?</p>
<p>“Let’s be optimistic, Dannyboy,” added Jack with a grin, more to reassure himself than anything.</p>
<p>“Well, your readings are quite good, heartbeat, blood pressure, temperature, they are all almost within the normal parameters. And the color is back on your cheeks. Whatever it was, it looks like it's over.” She grinned happily. “Let’s get rid of this.” She stopped the blood transfusion and removed the IV. She removed the rest of the paraphernalia, leaving just the heart monitor attached to his finger. Then she took a blood sample. “Ready, mister. Sir, it’s time to contact Janet and send her the new sample.”</p>
<p>“Say hello to the good doc.”</p>
<p>“I'll do it, Sir.” And she left smiling, with a new hope bathing her heart.</p>
<p>As soon as she left Daniel sat up on the bed and removed the finger clip. “Jack, help me up.”</p>
<p>“Woah, where do you think you’re going? You’re not well enough to be wandering around,” Jack blocked him with a hand in his chest.</p>
<p>“Jack, I really need…”</p>
<p>“Ack! You'll get up when Fraiser says you can get up.”</p>
<p>“Jack…”</p>
<p>“Daniel?”</p>
<p>“Jack!”</p>
<p>“Daniel!”</p>
<p>“Jack, I've been stuck in this bed for hours, I need to pee! So either you get a bottle or let me up!”</p>
<p>“Oh. Why didn’t you say so?” Daniel rolled his eyes. “Ok, but then you go back straight to bed again. I'm not taking any risk.”</p>
<p>“Yes, mom.” He would have smiled, but he wasn’t still in the mood for that. Although he was not feeling sheerly depressed as Jack had told him he was some hours ago, he had an uneasy feeling inside him, as if some nasty bug was traveling non stop from his belly to his chest and then down again.</p>
<p>As soon as his bare feet touched the cold floor, he sneezed loudly.</p>
<p>“Bless you,” said Jack while steading his wobbling body. “Cold?”</p>
<p>“No, I think it’s more my allergies. I missed a dosage. Can you reach my pills? They’re in my jacket, upper pocket. Two.”</p>
<p>Jack searched in the jacket that was hanging in a chair and came back with two pills and a canteen.</p>
<p>“Thanks,” said Daniel, and he swallowed the pills with a large mouthful of water. Afterward, Jack helped him to the bathroom.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Meanwhile,  Sam met Teal’c and Loren in the main hall and she activated the Stargate. She explained the good news to Janet. The doctor hadn’t found out what had caused the archaeologist condition but something was bugging her.</p>
<p>“Sam, I've been thinking. Although the symptoms of all members of SG-5 matched Daniel's, and they died after suffering the same EEG patterns, none of them was clearly suicidal,” the small doctor stated.</p>
<p>“Hmm, Janet,  I'm not sure I agree with that. What about Barber? He dove into the activating Stargate just in front of my eyes. He ran towards it on purpose.”</p>
<p>“That’s what’s bugging me. It doesn’t have any sense. He was addicted to the light and the gate travel was a free ticket to his addiction. Why kill himself when he was mere seconds to be in the light room again? I don’t think he intended to kill himself, I think he was so eager to come back to that planet, that he couldn’t even wait for the wormhole to establish.</p>
<p>“Oh, my god!” Sam covered her mouth with her hand. “You’re right! Then, why… why did Daniel act like this? There has to be something more here, right? Something that's just affecting Daniel, but what?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know yet, Sam, but I’m going double-check his file, to see if I can find any clue. His dopamine level was lower than any member of SG-5. It's clear that that thing affected him harder, and even if he's better now, I'm not sure it's over yet.”</p>
<p>“We'll keep an eye on him.”</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>An hour later, the three healthy members of SG-1 plus Loren, were gathered around Daniel’s bed sharing their dinner. He was now wearing sweats and a tee.</p>
<p>“Guys, seriously,  I could have joined you at the main hall. I feel fine,” Daniel complained.</p>
<p>“Sorry, Daniel, but you’re stuck on that bed until Fraiser says you’re well enough. And that’s an order.” Jack stated.</p>
<p>“Fuck you! I give a damn about your orders!”</p>
<p>Eight astonished eyes pierced into the archaeologist’s blue pools. He stared back at them open-mouthed, surprised of his own outburst.</p>
<p>“I… I'm sorry Jack… I just…”</p>
<p>
  <em>Monster.</em>
</p>
<p>“I don’t know what came into me, I'm sorry, I'm just… frustrated I guess… I'm so sorry…”</p>
<p>
  <em>Monster. You hurt him again.</em>
</p>
<p>“Guys, will you please come back to the main hall. I'd like a moment with Daniel, alone.”</p>
<p>“Sir?”</p>
<p>“O'Neill, we’re all most concerned about DanielJackson condition, please contact us if you need our assistance.” Teal’c understood there was an unspoken dialogue between the two lovers and they needed to sort it out together. He stood up and made a motion with his head to Sam, asking her to follow him.</p>
<p>“Carter, Teal’c,  please, Daniel and I need to talk, don’t we, Daniel?” his tone was a bit harsh. The woman and the two aliens left the room leaving the two men alone.</p>
<p>Jack studied his lover for a moment. He was fidgeting and avoiding eye contact. “It's happening again, isn’t it?” the colonel asked harshly.</p>
<p>“What? No! No… it's just… I'm just tired of doing nothing,  I have work to do and I'm just frustrated, I told you…”</p>
<p>“Don’t lie to me!” the older man yelled. Daniel flinched and Jack moved backward trying to regain control of himself. Crap, this wasn’t what Daniel needed right now, but he felt the terror growing up again in his gut. He began to pace trying to calm down.</p>
<p>
  <em>Monster. I told you. He hates you. He can even stand near you.</em>
</p>
<p>After a few seconds, Jack sat again on the bed next to his lover.</p>
<p>“Danny, you promised me you’d tell me if you were feeling depressed again. Please, just tell me the truth, I'm not mad, I love you, I'm just scared, I don’t want to take any risk, I thought I was going to lose you three times in the last six days and I'm kinda… worried.”</p>
<p>Daniel forced himself to look at Jack’s chocolate orbs. He tried to conceal the anguish that was invading his being. He felt a black shadow forming into his belly and growing up fast until it filled every cell of his body. A sudden rush of despair struck his soul. The images of the dream induced by Shifu weeks ago invaded his mind. The voice was right. He was a monster, only meant to hurt the ones he loved. He needed to finish that before it was too late for them, before the transformation was completed and killed them all. He swallowed hard, trying not to break eye contact. He couldn’t tell Jack. He couldn’t. If he did, Jack would try to stop him, maybe he’d even send him to the padded cell again. No, nonono, not that, that would be worst than death itself. Or even worse, like the other time, he could be able to convince Jack to release him again, and the monster would be free. He needed to end it now, but he couldn’t, not with Jack there. He needed to regain his trust first.</p>
<p>“Jack, I swear, I’m ok, I’m just a bit depressed, but it’s not what you think, I’m fine, I’m fine.” He forced a smile. The act seemed to fool the Colonel because he saw his features relaxing and smiling back.</p>
<p>The colonel cupped his face with one hand and rubbed his cheek with his thumb tenderly. He leaned forward and left a soft kiss on his lips. “I love you, Danny, forever, never forget that.”</p>
<p>“Jack, we’re off-world… Sam, Teal’c…” he pressed a hand in his chest and pushed him slightly.</p>
<p>“Right, but bear in mind that when we go back home, you and I will take some days  of reeeeeeeal vacation.”</p>
<p>“Jack, I’m kinda tired, I’d like to sleep now,” the archaeologist said feigning a yawn.</p>
<p>“Sleep well, Danny, I’ll be here when you wake up.”</p>
<p>“Jack, I’m ok, you don’t need to keep a vigil on me, really, I’m fine.”</p>
<p>“Sorry, baby, but that part is not negotiable.”</p>
<p>Daniel felt the frustration burning his insides but he concealed it the best he could. He smiled awkwardly, lay on his back, and closed his eyes.</p>
<p>“Can you please at least lower the light?”</p>
<p>Jack stood up and stretched his muscles. There were different light controls, so after a bit of testing, he managed to leave the room in dim light, enough for him to keep his watch, and enough for Daniel to be able to sleep. Instead of sitting at Daniel’s bedside, he kept moving around the room, looking, more than admiring, the overdone decoration. He was stiff after so many hours just sitting in a chair. The wound in his arm was throbbing under his sleeve. He and Daniel had both been very lucky when they had fallen into the sea. They could have easily crack opened their head with a rock and sayonara baby, adiós. He hoped Janet would find out what was happening, he wasn’t sure his heart could handle another episode like that. For sure he didn’t keep any brown hair by now.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Daniel was tightening his fists tightly under the blanket, trying to conceal the tremors that he was sure were shaking his whole body. At least that was the feeling from the inside. He could hear Jack moving around the room, sometimes moving closer to check on him, sometimes moving around, maybe just to stretch his muscles. He didn’t seem to notice his distress, he must be doing a good job concealing it. He needed a plan. All the cells of his body were screaming to him to get up and run to the highest tower of the palace and jump to solid ground. Not a chance. Jack would be on him before he had time to get off the bed. He mentally scanned his room. There had to be something he could use, something near enough to reach it the moment Jack was minimum distracted.</p>
<p>
  <em>You’re a monster, you must be punished for your actions.</em>
</p>
<p>There was only one thing that could guarantee a quick end. Jack's sidearm. Apparently, Jack had got rid of it before jumping to the water and Teal’c had retrieved it together with his tac vest. He remembered Jack had told him to throw them on a table. He just needed to distract Jack for two or three seconds, time enough to grab it and pull the trigger. He needed to act soon. He could feel the despair escalating, ripping the core of his soul. He couldn’t conceal his distress much longer. He wanted to scream, to kick, to trash everything around him. He could feel his heart had increased his rhythm. He could feel it pounding so hard against his ribs that feared that Jack could hear the noise. Luckily he had convinced them to disconnected the heart monitor. Otherwise, Jack would have been alerted for sure. He heard the colonel approaching to check on him. He tensed all his muscles and lay still, praying that he didn’t see his tremors. Daniel seemed tensed under the dim light. After his ordeal, he couldn’t blame the guy. He hoped he wasn't caught up in a nightmare too harsh.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Meanwhile, thousands of light-years far away, Janet was holding Daniel’s medical file. Scattered on her desk were also the files of SG-1 and SG-5. She had just got the results of Daniel’s last bloodwork. His dopamine levels had increased, but if what she was thinking was correct, they could quickly decrease again. Why the hell hadn’t she thought of that? There was one thing unique in the archaeologist file. One thing that once, years ago, had saved him from succumbing to a virus that had affected the entire base, except Daniel and herself. She frantically typed the keyboard on her computer, looking for the information that would confirm her theory. Once she found it, she shot off from her chair and ran towards the control room. She needed to warn SG-1 before it was too late for the archaeologist.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Jack was pacing around the room when his radio came to life.</p>
<p>“Sir!” the Major's voice sounded too loud. Thinking that Daniel was sleeping and not wanting to disturb him, Jack went to the bathroom, on the other side of the room. From there he could easily hear any sign of distress from Daniel if there was any.</p>
<p>“Shhhh, Carter, Daniel’s sleeping,” the colonel whispered through the device.</p>
<p>“Sir, it's Dr. Fraiser,” a new voice took the lead. “Listen to me, this is very important! I found out what the problem is!</p>
<p>“Shoot, doc.”</p>
<p>“It’s Daniel's antihistamine, Sir. There is a component in them, it’s not dangerous per se, but in this specific  case, it’s blocking the recovery of the dopamine levels in him.” She explained quickly. “You told me he was better when he woke up, right?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Jack confirmed.</p>
<p>“That’s because of the whole incident he missed his dose. The effects of the pills ran out and that’s why his dopamine levels began to increase again. Sir, under no circumstance, let Daniel take any of those pills!”</p>
<p>“Oh, god…” Jack's mouth suddenly went dry and his heart skipped a beat.</p>
<p>“What?!”</p>
<p>“He began to sneeze and took two of those pills more than an hour ago. But he is ok, he’s sleeping.”</p>
<p>“Sir, he might be deceiving you, you need to check on him, now!”</p>
<p>Before he had time to move, Jack heard something. A sound that had been present on his nightmares for five years.</p>
<p>
  <em>Click.</em>
</p>
<p>The sound of a Beretta safety lever being unlocked.</p>
<p>He ran into the room and quickly turned on the light. There, kneeling next to the table where he had left his sidearm stupidely unattended, was Daniel, aiming the weapon to his own temple. The archaeologist stared at him with haunted eyes, like a deer caught by a car headlights. All blood drained from Jack’s veins and a cold cascade of ice spread into his gut. When he found his voice, it sounded like a cracked whisper.</p>
<p>“Daniel… you don’t want to do this, please, lower the weapon.”</p>
<p>Jack’s radio came to life again. “Colonel? Colonel!” Daniel flinched to the sound, and slowly, Jack turned off the device and tossed it to the floor. The archaeologist kept holding the gun, his hand shaking hard. His other arm was wrapped tightly against his midsection, also trembling noticeably. Jack took a small step forward.</p>
<p>“Don’t come closer!” Daniel warned, pressing the gun harder to his temple. His face was flushed and sweat rivulets were rolling down his face.</p>
<p>All the terror Jack had experienced the last days came back and hit him full force. This couldn’t be happening again. Not this way. Not with his gun. Images of Charlie, laying on a pool of blood in his room, filled his mind. He needed to focus here and now. He wouldn’t fail this time. He couldn’t fail Daniel the same way he failed his son.</p>
<p>“Daniel,” he tried to keep a soothing tone. His Adam’s apple bobbed noticeably as he swallowed the dried saliva on his mouth. “Listen to me, please. I talked to Janet, she found out what’s happening to you.”</p>
<p>“What’s happening to me is that I’m a monster!” He clenched his teeth hard with tension. Why couldn’t they understand that the only way out was to disappear? Damned Jack, he had to appear just the second before he pulled the trigger. He felt a weird confusion. He didn’t know why, but someway it was more difficult with Jack looking at him.</p>
<p>“Daniel, it’s your medicine, those damned pills, the ones you take for your allergy!” Jack rose his tone. He was desperate. He needed to reach his lover's rational mind and make him understand.</p>
<p>“That’s bullshit!”</p>
<p>“No, no! That’s true, there’s something in those pills, I don’t know, a substance, a component or something that’s altereded by the alien technology.  Janet says it interferes with the recovery of your dopamine levels!”</p>
<p>There was a loud thud at the door. Daniel didn’t react to that. Jack guessed that Sam and Teal’c were there, but apparently, the archaeologist had blocked the door from the inside. Anyway, it wouldn’t take long for the Major to bypass the system. The colonel didn’t lose focus on his lover.</p>
<p>“Daniel, you have to believe me, please!” He took another step.</p>
<p>“Don’t move closer!” the younger man yelled hysterically.  His sparkling blue eyes were the ones of a madman.</p>
<p>Jack stopped on his tracks. He felt the tension in every muscle of his body. His heart was aching, his stomach burning, and his knees were shaking so badly he thought he was going to collapse.</p>
<p>“Daniel, please, listen to me,” he implored, his face crumpled in pain. “God, I love you so much, I need you. And not just me, Carter and Teal'c, too. Hell, the whole SGC. You are the conscience of the team, all this crap you’re saying about yourself… nothing of that is true, is that place, it's just that place and that component in your pills, they are messing with your head. Janet figured out how to fix it, please, baby, let us help you.” His voice cracked on the last word. He was lost in his despair. He didn’t know what to say to reach the man.</p>
<p>“I'm not the conscience of anything, I'm nothing!” Why couldn’t Jack understand? Why couldn’t he see that they’d be better without him, that he was a danger for every one of them? He began to breathe in short gasps. God, the oppression in his chest, in his belly, was unbearable. It didn’t let the air reach his lungs. The arm holding the gun began to shake harder and he tightened the grip on the weapon.</p>
<p>“Daniel, no! No!” Jack wanted to jump over his lover, but that for sure would force him to shoot. He kept staring at him intensely, trying to plead with his eyes what he couldn’t with words.</p>
<p>“Jack, I'm sorry, it's the only way to save them all. It's the only way to save you.” He slowly closed his eyes and aligned the gun in a perfect ninety degrees angle.</p>
<p>Jack knew that it was his last chance. “Daniel! If you want to save my life, if you really want me to live, you better put that gun down now, because I swear to you, the moment you pull that trigger, I'll grab that Beretta and I'll blow my brains out!”</p>
<p>Daniel snapped his eyes open, a look of confusion on his face. What was Jack saying? He wouldn’t do it, would he? He blinked and the hand holding the Beretta loosened a bit. Jack couldn’t find more words and did the only thing left to do. He collapsed on his knees and started to sob silently, his eyes tightly shut, his shoulders bouncing up and down, his arms wrapped around his torso, the same way his lover used to do. Daniel stared open-mouthed. A new pain hit his soul, but this one was different. This wasn’t the pain of the despair of someone who has lost all hope. It was the pain of watching a loved one suffering to the core. Wasn’t everything about that, after all? Wasn’t he willing to take his own life to spare the suffering to the ones he loved? But instead, his intention had caused Jack the greatest of pains. He had never seen such devastation drawn on the man's face. He had never seen him crying so openly, utterly defeated. God, he was so confused now.</p>
<p>Jack was lost in his despair. If Daniel pulled that trigger, nothing would matter anymore. He sent a silent plea to his lover, asking for forgiveness for not being able to save him this time.</p>
<p>And then the loud noise of the gunshot filled the room.</p>
<p>“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”</p>
<p>Jack opened his eyes and instinctively launched towards his lover, but what he saw stopped him where he stood. Daniel was looking at him with bright watery eyes, his lips curved downwards as in pain. But there wasn’t any blood. No entry wound anywhere on sight. Not splashes of blood on Daniel’s clothes, nor the furniture nor the floor. The gun's muzzle was smoking out, but it was aiming at the ceiling. Jack looked up and saw a perfect round hole on one of the decorated panels.  Daniel lowered his hand and dropped the weapon to the floor. Thick tears began to stream down his face. His whole body was trembling hard, and he tried to talk between sobs and hiccups.</p>
<p>“Jack, I'm so… sorry… I… I… love you… please, forgive… I'm sorry, I'm… sorry…”</p>
<p>He collapsed sideways and landed on his hip, both arms now crossed around his stomach. Jack moved closer in a giant step, kneeled in front of him and pulled him in a tight embrace. If it depended on him, he would never let go. Daniel unwrapped his arms from his body and returned the hug with force. They began to move back and forth, none of them really taking the lead, just the two of them comforting each other.</p>
<p>Just at that moment, Sam managed to open the door and she stormed into the room closely followed by Teal’c. Anguish was written all over their faces. They had heard the gunshot and therefore feared the worst. When they saw the scene of Jack and Daniel clinging together, apparently unharmed, Sam felt such a relief that her knees buckled. Teal’c held her and she quickly turned around and leaned against him. She buried her face on his chest and began to cry tears of relief. Teal’c hugged her tightly and rubbed her back in soothing circles of comfort. Teal’c looked at the two lovers embrace. Jack was whispering on Daniel’s ear and the jaffa had the feeling he was intruding in a very intimate scene.</p>
<p>“I believe they are both ok, MajorCarter. We should go back to the Stargate, we need to inform DoctorFraiser of what has transpired.”</p>
<p>Sam nodded against his broad chest and Teal’c helped her out of the room. The two lovers were left alone. They stayed hugging each other tightly, muffled sobs filling the room. After a while, Jack noticed that Daniel’s sobs had stopped and felt his body going limp on his arms. For a second his inner alarms triggered, but when he broke up the hug he realized that his lover had just cried himself out to sleep. He gently lowered him to the floor and went to grab a blanket. Then he lay in front of him, he put the covers over them, encircled his body with his arm and hooked their legs together. He buried his head on his lover's chest, and like that, feeling the reassuring sound of Daniel’s heartbeat, he finally fell asleep as well.</p>
<p>
  <strong>***</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Three weeks later</strong>
</p>
<p>Jack and Daniel were lying on their bed at Jack’s house, facing each other. They were in the aftermath of a blow minding sex round. Daniel’s arm was encircling his lover’s waist while the colonel was gently stroking his head and face with his hand. Their foreheads were glued together and they were staring at each other intensely. The proximity made them seem cross-eyed.</p>
<p>“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” said Jack, his gaze sparking with love and lust.</p>
<p>“Not as much as I love you.” Then the archaeologist didn’t say anything for a few seconds, he just drank from Jack’s loving expression. His heart filled with deep emotion. God, how he loved this man. If it wasn’t for him, he’d be dead by now, for good this time. Then he spoke with a voice full of emotion. “You saved my life, Jack. Four times in less than a week. Where your words couldn’t reach, your love did. I can’t believe I’m such a lucky guy. You, here, loving me, it’s so perfect that sometimes I think it’s just a dream.”</p>
<p>Jack swallowed the sudden lump of emotion that filled his throat. He pulled Daniel’s head forward and their lips melted in the most passionate kiss they remembered ever had.  When the lack of oxygen made them break the kiss, both men's eyes were glistening with unshed tears. Daniel’s expression became more serious.</p>
<p>“Jack, do you think there’s something… wrong… in me?”</p>
<p>“Daniel?”</p>
<p>The archaeologist felt his lover’s abs tense under his touch and he quickly tried to reassure him.</p>
<p>“No, no, it’s not what you’re thinking, I’m done with all that “I'm a bad guy” thing. What I mean is… do you think I’m prone to develop addictions?”</p>
<p>“What makes you say that?” A bit worried about the question, Jack propped himself up on his elbow, and pressed his body against Daniel, who was now lying on his back and looking at the ceiling.</p>
<p>“Well…” the archaeologist began, “you know, there were those other times… the sarc addiction on P3R-636, Machello's bugs, which sent me to the padded room, and now that light…”</p>
<p>“Shhhhhh, hey, hey,” Jack pressed his index finger on his lover’s lips. “You’re talking about powerful alien stuff, here, stuff that’s meant for Goa’uld physiology. Every one of us would have been affected the same way by those things. Damn, Barber vaporized himself in the forming wormhole.”</p>
<p>“But…”</p>
<p>“No buts, you hear me? You just had bad luck. Cigarettes. This is a bad one, I was addicted to them for years until our first mission to Abydos. Do you think that makes me an easy target for future addictions?”</p>
<p>“No, of course not!” Daniel turned on his side and caressed his lover's face tenderly. You’re right, that’s silly.</p>
<p>“Well, now that I think about it, a bit of a workaholic maybe,” Jack grinned mischievously.</p>
<p>“Oh, and Jack-addict, too,” the younger man smiled back.</p>
<p>“You know what?”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“I can live with that.” And he captured his lover's mouth again.  Yeah, after all, he was addicted to Daniel also. He definitely could live with that.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>The end, for now</strong>
</p>
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